Hate’s in the mind

What goes on in the mind of someone who’s so eaten up with hatred for gay people that they resort to killing someone they believe may be homosexual? Yesterday, Mark Malone was sentenced to 30 years in prison for murdering Jeff Akers in Walton-on-Thames, England in February of this year.  More on that story here.

Mr Malone had stabbed Mr Akers so deeply that the entire 8 inches of the knife used in the ferocious assault was embedded in his back, completely severing his eighth rib and puncturing his right lung. He staggered from the toilet where the attack occurred before collapsing.

I cannot comprehend the mindset capable of such savage brutality. It’s completely lost on me. At what point did the programming start which resulted in an act of such barbarous inhumanity, leaving one man dead and another rotting away in an institution not to mention the negative impact on the lives of those left behind who loved Mr Akers, not least his partner of 22 years, Mike Drew.

Was Mr Malone perhaps homosexual himself? They do say that those who have the greatest hatred for homosexuals could very likely be ‘that way’ themselves and are unable to deal with it. So, seeing people out there living the lives they are too cowardly to carve out for themselves, are seen as targets who are ‘flaunting’ their sexualities and therefore fair game to be vilified.

Looking closer at Mr Malone’s criminal past, it seems he had a history of violence against people he perceived to be gay. Where does all this anger come from though? Growing up, I often heard homophobic taunts in the playground from other kids and you’d hear it from teachers who wanted to ‘make a man out of you’ on the playing fields. What has manliness got to do with sexuality anyhow?

There is an assumption that homosexuals aren’t ‘real men’ but what does that mean? It’s like saying that all lesbians are butch, wear hiking boots, possess a toolkit, own every album by the Indigo Girls and strum acoustic guitars at all-women camps. The same kind of drivel surrounds gay men, who are perceived by many as being sissies who dress up as women and hang around public lavatories soliciting other men for anonymous sex.

We need to educate people as to what being gay really means and we need to start early, in schools and through community-based initiatives. We need to show people that being gay is entirely to do with who you find attractive and are able to fall in love with. Love is rarely mentioned in conjuction with the lives of gay men, bisexuals and lesbians. By breaking down the misconceptions and preconceptions, we can foster a society based around acceptance of others and maybe, just maybe, incidences of this nature will stop happening altogether.

A website dedicated to Mr Akers can be seen here.

I’m back!!!!!

Right, well I’m back and what’s happened in my absence but the dashboard here at WordPress has gone all space age.  I must confess to loving it but then after a week of hermit-like living, everything appears exciting in comparison.

I’ve also discovered the answer to one of life’s little quandaries and that’s here.  When I first got my Sony media player, I couldn’t get on with the headphones at all so had to buy some others but they gave up the ghost this week so after trying to use a cheaper set (which are shite) I’ve had to go back to the original set and even though I can see sense in the arrangement, they feel bloody awkward on.  What was wrong with how they were originally is what I want to know?  I never had any difficulties with them.  Did anyone here?

Last weekend, I travelled up to Liverpool to Michael Causer’s memorial service held at the Anglican Cathedral.  It was very moving and the language used was inclusive, there was no talk of sin and people of other faiths and none could take something from it.  Looking across at the photograph of Michael, I couldn’t believe that this young man was no longer with us.

I happened upon a jokey message left by Michael at Facebook and I felt an incredible sadness.  Michael had come out, a battle in and of itself and wound up being murdered by homophobic thugs!  I hope these cowards (because that’s what they are) get a sentence which reflects the severity of this brutal crime.

I met Michael’s family and a more friendly and accepting bunch I’d be hard pushed to find.  They had no problems with Michael’s sexuality at all.  Had he lived, he would have grown in strength and confidence as an out gay man.  They are lovely people.  They even allowed me to stay over due to there being no one at the hostel I’d booked online and that says a LOT about them … they were fortunate to have Michael if only for a short while, he was fortunate to have them xxx

I must mention Vikki whom I met at the cathedral.  She was a male-to-female transsexual.  She had been badly beaten up in a similarly motivated attack, ie one of hate, fear and ignorance.  She stood up during the service and said a few words inspired by Michael.  Her birth name had been Michael so she was in effect saying goodbye to two Michael’s that day!

I’m glad Ulla got her rainbow pride bag.  Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!  You said you’d squuuuueeeeeee mate and indeed you did.  That’s one of Ulla’s words and I love it.  Ulla, I’m honoured to know you and to be able to call you a friend.

I’m glad to be back.  I can get round to see you all now….

Queer scenes….

There have been many gay-themed films and tv dramas but the one which means the most to me is a miniseries which was aired on Channel 4 in the mid-90’s – Armistead Maupin’s Tales of The City.

It revolves round a boarding house in San Francisco, run by Mrs Madrigal (played expertly and intuitively by Olympia Dukakis) and tells the story of the tenants who are all fortunate to live there.  It was the first visual portrayal of gay people where they were out there living and loving and not dropping like flies.

The scene where Michael ‘Mouse’ Tolliver gets on the tram dressed as goat god Pan and chats away with Mary Ann Singleton (played by Laura Linney) and nary a single person looks up or around sums up the whole programme.  It’s unself-consciously gay positive in its outlook and I think that’s fab!

I guess each of you will have your own favourites from queer tv and cinema.  There are many reasons why we latch onto certain films, programmes.  In my case, they remind me of a time when I finally got to see ‘myself’ out there in the world and didn’t feel quite so alone or depressed.

Which ones mean the most to you and why?

Shattering myths….

Shortly after coming out earlier this year, I got chatting to a friend and he said “does this mean you’ll start being all camp and buying records by Kylie Minogue, going on pride marches and waving rainbow flags?”  I replied “why would I?”  He said “well, that’s what gay people do isn’t it?”  I was taken aback by this.  Is this how gays are perceived?

I don’t possess a single album by Kylie Minogue or Madge (as Madonna is affectionately known by her trillions of adoring gay fans) nor do I wish to because I don’t like that kind of music.  I do however like Blues, Prog Rock, Heavy Metal, Jazz, Folk and World Music among many other genres.  Does enjoying a meaty guitar solo pulled out of the bag by messrs Gary Moore or Joe Satriani make me any less queer than say dancing round the room to The Village People whilst vacuuming?

There are so many assumptions floating around out there about what constitutes being, in my case, a gay man.  Let’s get this next one out of the way as soon as we can.  I don’t like cabaret, musicals or show tunes! I feel ill when I hear Shirley Bassey’s voice coming out of the radio speakers at home and have to get up as soon as I can and switch it off.  I abhor the sweeter-than-sweet warblings of both Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand though I am able to appreciate how technically proficient both of them are, I’d just much rather not have to endure listening to them if I can help it.

I don’t cross-dress. I shouldn’t have to write this but again these are assumptions based on sexuality that a lot of people make.  British writer and doctor Vernon Coleman cross-dresses and argues that the majority of men who do enjoy wearing women’s clothes are in actual fact heterosexual.  Quite why being gay automatically means I would want to don a frock is beyond me.  Still, when the only exposure some people have of gay men is when they see them dressed as nuns at pride events or in stock video footage whenever a news story features us in some way, can’t really help.  Plus, one now well-known and cherished out gay tv presenter began his career dressing up as a woman and that only adds to the misconceptions.

I’m not effeminate.  When I told one person of my homosexuality, she looked me up and down and said “no you can’t be” and I replied that yes I was.  “No” she again said.  I responded “well, why can’t I be?”  Her answer was “well, you’re not limp-wristed are you?  Are you sure you’re not a bit Bi maybe?”  I said that no I wasn’t.  She looked at me puzzled.  There was then an awkward few moments while she adjusted to the news that standing in front of her was someone she knew, who wasn’t camping it up but was in fact a homosexual.  She still asks me periodically if I still feel I’m gay, I tell her that I am and she gives me the same disbelieving look.

I have known and met a lot of gay men who are affected in some way but I’ve met far more who are no different in their outward appearance and manner than heterosexuals.  Most of us, gay or straight, don’t fit the media profiles of the archetypal good-looking guy or gal anyway.  The simple fact is the vast majority of us are quite ordinary in every way and gay men and women are no different.  That doesn’t mean we can’t scrub up well when we want to but we’re just run-of-the-mill in reality and the only difference between us is who we fall in love with and find sexy!

This next one is a little trickier to reply to.  There is an assumption that one ‘becomes’ gay due to bad sexual experiences with the opposite sex.  There is of course an element of truth in this statement because the very nature of one’s homosexuality means any attempts to have sex with men/women (delete where applicable) is going to be fraught with frustrations. I have never had a good sexual experience with a woman but this hasn’t led me to want to be gay whatever that means, it has however clarified my own feelings regarding my sexuality.  I engaged in sex with women because I wanted familial and societal approval, not because it actually appealed to me.

I hope I’ve gone some ways to picking apart these frankly downright bizarre stereotypes and misconceptions.  I’m gay, that’s not because of a whole list of external variables which may or may not be true for whole swathes of society.  It’s by virtue of the fact I am sexually, emotionally and romantically attracted to men.  It’s as simple as that really.

The burden of effeminacy….

I bumped into someone yesterday (I’ve just noticed it’s gone midnight) who I haven’t seen in about 6 years.  He looked the same as ever.  He’s short, fat and very very camp.  He must be in his mid-50’s now but he’s always looked that way and I’ve known him about 10 years now.

He is man-mad and while I was talking to him he was eyeing up some Polish builders and making it very plain at that.  “Ooooh he’s nice” he said then looking at another “ooooh (a flick of his very limp wrist towards the object of his attentions) I wouldn’t kick him out of bed in a hurry” and so on and so forth.  They would have easily heard him but he was unperturbed as always

He’s openly gay and doesn’t give a damn what others think of him.  He’s known to all and sundry in the gay community.  While I was talking with him a butch spiky-haired lesbian walked by and he said “oh hello dearie” and she smiled and said “hello love, how are you?” and they exchanged pleasantries before she went on her way.

Even though he’s shaped like an egg, is balding, has very chubby cheeks and a belly that hangs over his belt, he’s always been popular with the young ‘uns on the scene and in fact had just come out of a 6 month ‘highly charged’ relationship with a 28 year old Pole … he made quite a few relevant jokes about the Pole’s pole, well you get the gist I’m sure.

I’ve often wondered if his effeminacy has been a blessing or a curse.  On some levels it must have been a blessing in disguise because I don’t think he ever had to formally come out.  Yet in other ways, it must have been a curse because his sexuality is so obvious to others and I know he’s taken a fair amount of stick for it, working as he does in a quite laddish environment.

I admire him though, I think he carries a burden yet does so with grace, steely determination and masses of good humour.  He’s a character and we need people like him in life.

Questions…

I have this blog and then one attached to my website and haven’t been sure what to do with either so what I’ve come up with is all the stuff which is directly related to my coming out and then getting on with life I shall put at the weebly blog and everything else pertaining to my life, all the generalities, will go here.

I spent time in Australia both last year and this and I still have a sense of loyalty to it.  I often find myself on Aus-based gay sites just looking through the galleries, the listings, the people, the places, the bars etc etc because I guess I wasn’t out or accepting of who I was when there and the atmosphere of the place would certainly have been condusive to that kind of enquiry, so I go online and dip into that world every now and then.

It was while looking on a site the other day, I came across the face of a young lesbian and underneath her picture it said something along the lines of “RIP, we love and miss you very much” and I don’t know why but I’ve just had this burning need to find out who she was but where does one start and why would I want to do it?  There’s just something about her demeanour in the pic, about the confidence in who she is which is drawing me to find out more.  There’s a quiet confidence, she’s comfortable in her own skin.  Maybe because for so long I wasn’t?  I don’t know.

A similar thing happened about 2 years ago.  I was on the ‘net and really getting into photography.  I saw a grouping of photos taken by a particular agency (can’t remember which one now) and one of them was a gay man covered in Karposi’s Sarcoma in the final stages of AIDS, I think he died the next day or so.  There’s something about the way he’s looking at the camera which I can’t define.

I had to then find everything I could about him.  There was very little out there though I discovered his name was Ken and I did manage to read an interview he gave where he talked about coming out as gay, moving away from where he lived, getting the diagnosis and then having to undergo horrendous radiotherapy treatment to try and burn the disease away.  It was when I don’t think they knew how to treat it and just threw everything known to humankind at it.

I’m very drawn to people’s faces, especially the eyes.  My mum says that the eyes are the windows to the soul and that “what you are is on your face” and I kinda haul with that.  When I see a photo of someone who’s no longer here, I get a very deep sense of connection with them.  Maybe I’m looking to see if there’s anything within the shot that tells of any future ill-health/pain but of course there isn’t.

I then go through a “why?” phase where I rail at the futility and the randomness of all the crap stuff that happens to others.  Then I just feel sad for the person and for myself, that I’m healthy and why am I okay when they aren’t when all they wanted to do was go out there and live life like everyone else?  Why have they been struck down?  I then think about the fact I’m walking about and they’re not and that, for a while, we both shared the same air, looked into the same sky, wished on the same moon.

I think the last thing I feel and especially when I see anyone in the gay community afflicted in any way, is the fact that I have wasted a good deal of time fighting myself, time which won’t ever be got back.  Then I see these people who were brave enough to face up to their sexualities and identities, who probably took shit from others but held onto what they believed was right, went out there and grabbed life, a life which has now ebbed away while wastrels such as myself were out there being miserable and wishing they could just dig a hole and die.  I’m now out of my hole and they’re in theirs.

Life can be horribly cruel sometimes.

W, this is for you….

If you’re reading this W, this entry is for you.

While in Sydney earlier this year, I frequented an Italian restaurant near to the hotel where I was staying.  W worked there with his brother and he was incredibly comfortable in his own skin and I noticed that he was also gay.

I felt an immediate affinity with him.  It’s only been very recently that I’ve come to the realisation that I’m gay but looking back, it’s always been gay men who have had the greatest impact upon me as a person.  I’d find myself thinking about them, replaying conversations over and over yet because I must have buried the sexual part deep within my psyche, I never really read much into it.  It was always there is what I’m saying.

W was extremely comfortable in who he is and that made me a trifle uneasy, I guess because there was a large part of me which was being denied.  I’m ever so glad though that I wasn’t one of those gay-hating closet cases.  Defending the rights of gay people as well as other human rights issues and those of our animal friends, has long been a part of who I am and will continue to be so.

I think though looking back, I knew that I was like W.  Here was someone out there, living life and not giving two hoots what others thought of him.  I admired that.  When I got back home, I contacted W occasionally, I just wanted to keep in contact.  I now know why though at the time, I thought it was merely because he was friendly and I enjoyed frequenting the restaurant.  I think the lid was coming off the jack-in-a-box even then.

Well, with all that’s happened to me personally over the past little while I knew I had to contact W again and tell him what’s been going on for me.  If I’m honest, I expected either to be blanked or a message come back saying “look mate, I hardly know you at all, what’s all this about?”  I got neither.  Instead I got a wonderfully supportive reply.

I hope you and I can maintain contact W, not just because you understand a lot of what I’m feeling because you too have gone through the coming out process but because I like you fella, I like you a LOT.  Thanks for everything you’ve done, it’s greatly appreciated.

Barebacking….

Barebacking is the term given to having unprotected sex, especially anal sex.  A lot of people dislike using condoms because they say they lose sensitivity in and around the penis.  Some hate using condoms because it interrupts the flow during sex and that it’s just not romantic.

Others see that now with protease inhibitors, they can carry on as they like because instead of living under a death sentence with HIV, they’re only saddled with a chronic illness.  Is it worth it?  I’m unable to fathom the mindset of anyone who wishes to penetrate/be penetrated without practising safer sex.

Gay adult films showing barebacking practices have led to further apathy surrounding the subject and there are even subcultures in the gay community where men actively seek out sex with men who knowingly carry the HIV virus so they too can become infected.

Having watched a few gay adult films in my time, I can’t think of a great many things sexier than seeing a guy putting on a condom, applying lube and getting ready to do the business … Yum!  Why risk a lifetime of good quality sex with mind and body intact for a spur-of-the-moment rush of excitement?

Play safe, stay safe is what I say.

Howdy!

This is my first ever entry.  What can I tell you about myself?

Well I’m gay so let’s get that out there to begin with.  I will mention it from time to time because it’s a big part of who I am but it won’t be all I talk about.

I am totally non-scene (hence the name of the blog) and pretty non-stereotypical too.

I don’t like cabaret or musicals, I need to say that because the big assumption by a LOT of people is that gay men love show tunes.  I DON’T!

I detest most of what passes for pop music and aside from Janis Joplin, Shaun Murphy, Stevie Nicks and Sam Brown I don’t really like female vocals and that includes Kylie and Madonna!!!!!

I don’t lisp effeminately or make sexual innuendos out of everything!  I don’t cross-dress.  There are so many goddamn assumptions floating around out there about what constitutes being a gay man and I have to say a lot of this shite comes from within the gay community.

I am sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, that is what makes me gay not what I listen to, what fashion labels I wear, where I go on holiday, what car I drive, what films I watch, whether I prefer Britney Spears to Christine Aguilera.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

In saying that, I care passionately about the rights of the LGBT community because we still have a long way to go before we are afforded the same rights as others in terms of how we choose to live and love.

Yes, that’s right … LOVE.

Not a word you hear often when people talk of gay people and gay rights.  We are sexual but we have the same motivations as everyone else in terms of what we want from life and maybe that’s what scares the bigots of this world.

Right, rant over.  It’s good to be here … lol