Hate’s in the mind

What goes on in the mind of someone who’s so eaten up with hatred for gay people that they resort to killing someone they believe may be homosexual? Yesterday, Mark Malone was sentenced to 30 years in prison for murdering Jeff Akers in Walton-on-Thames, England in February of this year.  More on that story here.

Mr Malone had stabbed Mr Akers so deeply that the entire 8 inches of the knife used in the ferocious assault was embedded in his back, completely severing his eighth rib and puncturing his right lung. He staggered from the toilet where the attack occurred before collapsing.

I cannot comprehend the mindset capable of such savage brutality. It’s completely lost on me. At what point did the programming start which resulted in an act of such barbarous inhumanity, leaving one man dead and another rotting away in an institution not to mention the negative impact on the lives of those left behind who loved Mr Akers, not least his partner of 22 years, Mike Drew.

Was Mr Malone perhaps homosexual himself? They do say that those who have the greatest hatred for homosexuals could very likely be ‘that way’ themselves and are unable to deal with it. So, seeing people out there living the lives they are too cowardly to carve out for themselves, are seen as targets who are ‘flaunting’ their sexualities and therefore fair game to be vilified.

Looking closer at Mr Malone’s criminal past, it seems he had a history of violence against people he perceived to be gay. Where does all this anger come from though? Growing up, I often heard homophobic taunts in the playground from other kids and you’d hear it from teachers who wanted to ‘make a man out of you’ on the playing fields. What has manliness got to do with sexuality anyhow?

There is an assumption that homosexuals aren’t ‘real men’ but what does that mean? It’s like saying that all lesbians are butch, wear hiking boots, possess a toolkit, own every album by the Indigo Girls and strum acoustic guitars at all-women camps. The same kind of drivel surrounds gay men, who are perceived by many as being sissies who dress up as women and hang around public lavatories soliciting other men for anonymous sex.

We need to educate people as to what being gay really means and we need to start early, in schools and through community-based initiatives. We need to show people that being gay is entirely to do with who you find attractive and are able to fall in love with. Love is rarely mentioned in conjuction with the lives of gay men, bisexuals and lesbians. By breaking down the misconceptions and preconceptions, we can foster a society based around acceptance of others and maybe, just maybe, incidences of this nature will stop happening altogether.

A website dedicated to Mr Akers can be seen here.

I’m back!!!!!

Right, well I’m back and what’s happened in my absence but the dashboard here at WordPress has gone all space age.  I must confess to loving it but then after a week of hermit-like living, everything appears exciting in comparison.

I’ve also discovered the answer to one of life’s little quandaries and that’s here.  When I first got my Sony media player, I couldn’t get on with the headphones at all so had to buy some others but they gave up the ghost this week so after trying to use a cheaper set (which are shite) I’ve had to go back to the original set and even though I can see sense in the arrangement, they feel bloody awkward on.  What was wrong with how they were originally is what I want to know?  I never had any difficulties with them.  Did anyone here?

Last weekend, I travelled up to Liverpool to Michael Causer’s memorial service held at the Anglican Cathedral.  It was very moving and the language used was inclusive, there was no talk of sin and people of other faiths and none could take something from it.  Looking across at the photograph of Michael, I couldn’t believe that this young man was no longer with us.

I happened upon a jokey message left by Michael at Facebook and I felt an incredible sadness.  Michael had come out, a battle in and of itself and wound up being murdered by homophobic thugs!  I hope these cowards (because that’s what they are) get a sentence which reflects the severity of this brutal crime.

I met Michael’s family and a more friendly and accepting bunch I’d be hard pushed to find.  They had no problems with Michael’s sexuality at all.  Had he lived, he would have grown in strength and confidence as an out gay man.  They are lovely people.  They even allowed me to stay over due to there being no one at the hostel I’d booked online and that says a LOT about them … they were fortunate to have Michael if only for a short while, he was fortunate to have them xxx

I must mention Vikki whom I met at the cathedral.  She was a male-to-female transsexual.  She had been badly beaten up in a similarly motivated attack, ie one of hate, fear and ignorance.  She stood up during the service and said a few words inspired by Michael.  Her birth name had been Michael so she was in effect saying goodbye to two Michael’s that day!

I’m glad Ulla got her rainbow pride bag.  Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!  You said you’d squuuuueeeeeee mate and indeed you did.  That’s one of Ulla’s words and I love it.  Ulla, I’m honoured to know you and to be able to call you a friend.

I’m glad to be back.  I can get round to see you all now….

Anal hex….

What is it with straights and their obsession with anal sex?  This week I got my first pile or haemorrhoid if we’re being posh or bunch of grapes if we’re being gross!  To be fair, it was just the one and I got it from straining.  Yes gay people can strain, they don’t go round shitting themselves from too much bum play!

I happened to mention to a friend who also suffers with piles (and in fact has had them for many years) that I had a pile and he said “you’re gonna have to get used to that mate.”  I said “what do you mean?”  His reply “well, that’s to be expected in your game.”  “My game?”  “Yeah, you know being a bum boy and all!”  It was said in jest and there was no malice whatoever but there is this assumption that every gay man is out there stuffing things up their bums all the time.

What is that all about?????

Piles are caused by pressure exerted downwards not up so although having anal sex is hardly going to help if someone has a pre-existing issue with their dirtbox, it’s not going to be the primary cause.

I would imagine in sheer numbers, there are far more heterosexuals involved in anal play than gays.  I’ve heard that as many as 40% of gay men don’t have anal sex at all though as many as half of those have tried it and didn’t like it.  Does that ever get mentioned?  Hardly.  To some people, being a gay man is simply about bending over and taking it up the arse.  I don’t know what’s worse if I’m honest, the assumption or the preoccupation with it.

The rainbow’s bluer today…

Yesterday, I did something which surprised me.  I denied my sexuality to someone who really doesn’t have a problem with it out of a fear of them perhaps viewing me differently.

I was chatting away with them and the subject of gay people came up.  My friend said “I’m not being funny here Jon but you mention gays a lot.  Are you gay?”  He was smiling when he said it.  I suddenly felt totally ashamed and guilty.  I said “no but I’d like to be” and he laughed.  “I’ll have to write that down, that’s a great response” he replied.

I don’t know why I did it.

Well, I do know why I did it because it would change the dynamic between us on some levels and because he has spoken of people not coming out until later in life and how he can’t comprehend it at all because “we all know what we are don’t we Jon?”  Yes, it’s true.  I have always known of what I am but dealing with it has been another thing entirely.  Anyhow, the conversation changed and I was relieved but the feeling nagged away at me.

I got back home, Ulla was online and I spoke with her about it.  I was totally and utterly disgusted with myself, I felt like a complete letdown.  She told me not to be so hard on myself, that coming out and being comfortable with one’s sexuality is a process.  She’s right, it is.  What shocked me I suppose is how I not only denied it but wanted to push the whole thing away from me and kind of disown it.

I thought because I had done the Coming Out interview, had fantastic gay friends and in many ways had made peace with who I am that these awful moments were gone altogether.  Having spoken to someone the other day about just this, he said it’s hard to free yourself of all the negative ideas and opinions and that occasionally, there will be tough days.  He talked to me about Internalised Homophobia and how that plays a part in eating away at a positive gay self-image.  He’s right, it does.

My head’s in a bit of a spin at the moment and I don’t know where I’m at on some levels. I do know that I’m gay and in the main I’m happy and comfortable with it.  I just sometimes get the sense from wider society that because I’m homosexual my sexuality is in some ways inferior to heterosexuality because it’s not about anything more than intimacy and having fun!  How fucked up is that?  I need to stop thinking and playing things over and just get on with it.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

Coming out and staying out….

When I was contacted by the lovely Ulla (whom I feel I’ve known far longer than the month or so we’ve been in contact) to Do The Interview, I was aware that this would be made public and for just about the first time ever, I’ve felt perfectly at ease with this knowledge being ‘out there’ and have no problem with it at all.

There’s something definite about stating your intent with regards your sexuality and it being published, in whatever form that takes.  Yes I could have asked Ulla not to put it up or asked a little later for it to be taken down but even then I’d still made the leap from closet case to something else entirely.  It felt like an entire process was occurring.  There was, in a sense, no going back from that point on.  It really felt like I’d lifted the lid on an emotional Jack-In-A-Box, ie, better out than in.

I’ve come out before and I’ve always gone back into the closet and I’ve often wondered why.  I think partly because I made this being gay business into far more than it actually is.  Yeah so I dig guys but seriously it’s not all that, is it?  I still do the mundane things everyone else does in my day-to-day life, the only exception is that I am romantically/emotionally/sexually attracted to my own gender but in this day and age, loads of us are and we’re out there living it, so why worry at all?  If I chose to go back into the closet yet again, all I’d do is waste more time and this thing isn’t going to go away, so seriously what would be the point?

There are however differences in place this time.  The first and main difference is that for just about the first time ever I am perfectly comfortable with being gay, with fancying men.  Plus I no longer have those feelings of shame which kept me closeted for so long and I don’t know where those horrid fears have gone.  In the past coming out has been more to stem the mounting pressure taking place within me than actually being emotionally honest.  Another thing which is different is the fact I came out to myself to begin with.  In times gone by, I’ve come out to others and not to myself so it’s really little wonder that I ended up hiding out for as long as I have done.

Another big difference is the sheer quality of friends that I have around me this time, people who support me 100% and are enabling me to be who I am.  I’ve never had so many wonderful people in my life before.  Genuine true friends.  There’s not a single person that I don’t want to be there.  Maybe there is some truth in the old adage that you need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by others.  Today, I really value the person I am and this is mirrored by the quality of friends I have in my life.  I’m really very blessed.

So, I’m out and staying out.  I like the feeling of being able to be myself, to not have to lie, cheat and connive my way through life.  I can stand up and categorically state my preferences to the world without having to blur the edges.  Not everyone’s going to like it and I may end up losing so called friends and family members but that’s okay.  Why?  Because I like myself and the person I’m becoming.

I won’t apologise if that appears arrogant or self-centred, I have to be selfish where this is concerned.  I have to own what it is I’m feeling so I can move forward honestly, both internally and externally.  If anyone’s reading this and wonders what it’s like to no longer be closeted and afraid lest the truth somehow finds its way out, let me tell you that there’s no greater place and no better feeling.  Don’t just take my word for it, COME on OUT and see for yourself.

Patronising attitudes…

Last night I was out with a couple of friends.  One of them came out during a conversation to a couple who were sitting nearby and the reaction seemed good so I too came out, as much for myself as to show solidarity to my friend.

On the surface, both seemed really cool about it but under closer scrutiny, I could sense quite a bit of homophobia from both but mostly from the bloke.  I would rather people say they hated me for being gay than say one thing and actually think/feel something different entirely.

He said that gay ’sex acts’ between men were ‘not nice’ and seemed to believe that all gay men have anal sex yet had no problems talking about having anal sex with his wife, something which he clearly enjoyed.

His wife on the other hand seemed to think I would be the ‘male’ partner in a gay relationship because I wasn’t in any way camp or effeminate.  In fact, because I’m not ‘affected’ as her husband termed it, she found it hard to believe that I was gay in the first place.  She said I’d need to find someone feminine to create a sense of balance in my love life.  It was really fucked up stuff.

The chap then asked me if I’d had any bad relationships with women which had made me ‘want to go and try out sex with men.’  I said no but he remained unconvinced.  I also noticed defensiveness in his body language, with tightly crossed arms and legs.

The woman then turned her attention on my friend and kept calling her Poppett and saying that she felt scared for her because she was very young (18) to be going out into the world self-identifying as lesbian.

I found it all rather patronising if I’m honest.  What messed up minds some people have.

W, this is for you….

If you’re reading this W, this entry is for you.

While in Sydney earlier this year, I frequented an Italian restaurant near to the hotel where I was staying.  W worked there with his brother and he was incredibly comfortable in his own skin and I noticed that he was also gay.

I felt an immediate affinity with him.  It’s only been very recently that I’ve come to the realisation that I’m gay but looking back, it’s always been gay men who have had the greatest impact upon me as a person.  I’d find myself thinking about them, replaying conversations over and over yet because I must have buried the sexual part deep within my psyche, I never really read much into it.  It was always there is what I’m saying.

W was extremely comfortable in who he is and that made me a trifle uneasy, I guess because there was a large part of me which was being denied.  I’m ever so glad though that I wasn’t one of those gay-hating closet cases.  Defending the rights of gay people as well as other human rights issues and those of our animal friends, has long been a part of who I am and will continue to be so.

I think though looking back, I knew that I was like W.  Here was someone out there, living life and not giving two hoots what others thought of him.  I admired that.  When I got back home, I contacted W occasionally, I just wanted to keep in contact.  I now know why though at the time, I thought it was merely because he was friendly and I enjoyed frequenting the restaurant.  I think the lid was coming off the jack-in-a-box even then.

Well, with all that’s happened to me personally over the past little while I knew I had to contact W again and tell him what’s been going on for me.  If I’m honest, I expected either to be blanked or a message come back saying “look mate, I hardly know you at all, what’s all this about?”  I got neither.  Instead I got a wonderfully supportive reply.

I hope you and I can maintain contact W, not just because you understand a lot of what I’m feeling because you too have gone through the coming out process but because I like you fella, I like you a LOT.  Thanks for everything you’ve done, it’s greatly appreciated.

Thank you N….

I’d like to say a BIG thank you to my good friend N who has been wonderfully supportive of me since I came out to her this past week.  I said I’d mention you didn’t I?  I’ve gone with ‘N’ as the code, subtle isn’t it?  NOT!  lol

I met N in 2007 and instantly felt a rapport.  I was staying somewhere and was completely terrified if I’m honest as I felt myself to be someone not really worth knowing.

There was a communal room where people ate, relaxed, watched tv etc etc and it was there we met and began chatting.  Not only did she take away any nerves I might have had, she made me feel like I was someone as opposed to how I’ve often felt, as something.

Thank you.

I won’t go into all the ins and outs and the whys and wherefores of the time we’ve known one another, what I will say is that’s she trusted and true.  I could tell her anything and, whatever her feelings were about it, she’d remain on my side.

She’s totally non-judgmental, good humoured, intelligent, the list goes on really.  I’m honoured to know her and to be able to say she’s a friend.  She’s helped me immeasurably with my confidence and I know I wouldn’t be as comfortable with myself as I am now, without her input.

Thank you N for everything you are and all that you’ve done, are doing and will continue to do for me and everyone else who’s fortunate enough to know you.  The world is a brighter, warmer, friendlier place for having you in it.

I love ya xxxxxx