Coming out and staying out….

When I was contacted by the lovely Ulla (whom I feel I’ve known far longer than the month or so we’ve been in contact) to Do The Interview, I was aware that this would be made public and for just about the first time ever, I’ve felt perfectly at ease with this knowledge being ‘out there’ and have no problem with it at all.

There’s something definite about stating your intent with regards your sexuality and it being published, in whatever form that takes.  Yes I could have asked Ulla not to put it up or asked a little later for it to be taken down but even then I’d still made the leap from closet case to something else entirely.  It felt like an entire process was occurring.  There was, in a sense, no going back from that point on.  It really felt like I’d lifted the lid on an emotional Jack-In-A-Box, ie, better out than in.

I’ve come out before and I’ve always gone back into the closet and I’ve often wondered why.  I think partly because I made this being gay business into far more than it actually is.  Yeah so I dig guys but seriously it’s not all that, is it?  I still do the mundane things everyone else does in my day-to-day life, the only exception is that I am romantically/emotionally/sexually attracted to my own gender but in this day and age, loads of us are and we’re out there living it, so why worry at all?  If I chose to go back into the closet yet again, all I’d do is waste more time and this thing isn’t going to go away, so seriously what would be the point?

There are however differences in place this time.  The first and main difference is that for just about the first time ever I am perfectly comfortable with being gay, with fancying men.  Plus I no longer have those feelings of shame which kept me closeted for so long and I don’t know where those horrid fears have gone.  In the past coming out has been more to stem the mounting pressure taking place within me than actually being emotionally honest.  Another thing which is different is the fact I came out to myself to begin with.  In times gone by, I’ve come out to others and not to myself so it’s really little wonder that I ended up hiding out for as long as I have done.

Another big difference is the sheer quality of friends that I have around me this time, people who support me 100% and are enabling me to be who I am.  I’ve never had so many wonderful people in my life before.  Genuine true friends.  There’s not a single person that I don’t want to be there.  Maybe there is some truth in the old adage that you need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by others.  Today, I really value the person I am and this is mirrored by the quality of friends I have in my life.  I’m really very blessed.

So, I’m out and staying out.  I like the feeling of being able to be myself, to not have to lie, cheat and connive my way through life.  I can stand up and categorically state my preferences to the world without having to blur the edges.  Not everyone’s going to like it and I may end up losing so called friends and family members but that’s okay.  Why?  Because I like myself and the person I’m becoming.

I won’t apologise if that appears arrogant or self-centred, I have to be selfish where this is concerned.  I have to own what it is I’m feeling so I can move forward honestly, both internally and externally.  If anyone’s reading this and wonders what it’s like to no longer be closeted and afraid lest the truth somehow finds its way out, let me tell you that there’s no greater place and no better feeling.  Don’t just take my word for it, COME on OUT and see for yourself.

Allies…

I came out to a family member tonight.  Her reaction after me telling her I was gay was a nervous laugh and “no you’re not” then a slight pause before asking “are you?”  “Yes” I replied.  “You’re not Bi maybe?”  “Nope.”  “Okay” she said then stood there a little shocked.  The fear’s always there when I come out and this time was no different.

We talked about it further after the initial uneasiness.  She said she didn’t feel it necessary that I tell anyone else, that I should just get on with life as it’s really no one else’s business what I do and knowing my family, I think she’s right.  I’d like to be totally out to them but it will cause difficulties and I don’t want that.  In time, maybe I’ll confide in others but for now, I’m happy knowing I have one ally in the midst.

My dear Mum…

I thought I’d mention that my Mum is now perfectly okay with me being gay.  It’s no longer an issue.  We’re able to talk about it like it’s the most natural thing in the world.  There’s no anger, no nastiness, no little jibes.  She accepts that it’s a part of who I am though not all I am and because of that, we’re getting on better than ever.  It’s wonderful.

Coming out is a continual thing….

A lot of people ask why gays/lesbian/bisexuals etc etc need to ‘advertise’ their sexualities by Coming Out?  It’s not advertising, it’s merely wishing to honestly share a massive part of your life with another.

Straight people don’t have to come out.  They grow up, they’re accepted as the norm, they talk about the opposite sex, settle down with someone and it’s all cool.  Not so with many of us.  Some people are fortunate and are blessed with supportive family and/or friends.  Most of us however have to deal with some kind of upset when our sexualities are realised and we wish to address how we feel to loved ones.

Feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness etc etc are only too common.  Sometimes, these feelings can spill over into verbal attacks and actual physical assaults.  Things have been known to go much further too, which I’m shuddering to think about if I’m honest.  How can you take the life of someone who only wants to live and love like everyone else?  How can that happen?

I am gay and it is a large part of who I am but it’s not all that I am.  My Mum can be homophobic, though to be fair having a gay son has opened her eyes quite a bit to what being gay is all about and also, what it’s not about.  If you’re reading this M (you know who you are!) I think you’ve helped to educate her enormously – she thinks the world of you.  I think you’re pretty cool too by the way.  She still has a tendency to view a lot of gay men as being promiscuous.  Some no doubt are but a LOT of het guys are too.  We’ve all met straight guys who stand around talking about who they’ve ’shagged’ and how good they are in bed.  My bet is the only sex they regularly have is with Mrs Hand and Her Five Sisters!

It’s no surprise then that to get to where I am now, I’ve had to have a couple of nervous breakdowns and much sadness before realising that my sexuality wasn’t going to go away however much I may have wanted it to.  When I first told Mum I was gay, she went ballistic as I expected her to and she spouted every possible hateful comment that she could think of, the object of which was to wound I’m sure.  Every malicious arrow hit its target which took me a long while to get over.

The other day, her and I went out together and the subject of being gay came up because she was talking about John Barrowman, the actor.  She likes him because he’s gay but doesn’t go on about it, just lives his life privately though I think she’d baulk if she realised that being gay actually means having sex with someone of your own gender.  I’m sure she believes that John’s partner is really nothing more than a good friend whom he ‘just happens’ to live with.

When her and I had got through the really stinging horrid stuff shortly after my initial revelation and actually sat down and discussed my gayness, she couldn’t get her head round the fact that I wanted a boyfriend and not just a guy who was a mate, that they’d be actual sex happening and when she realised this, she went off on one again.

Anyhow, getting back to the point.  I happened to mention that I quite liked John Barrowman and that he was quite fanciable in a strange sort of way.  She went mad!  “But you’re a fella” she almost shouted.  “Yes, and I’m gay Mum.  You know that.”  This seemed to get her very angry indeed.  “I thought because you haven’t spoken about all of this for a very long time that you’d had a change of heart.”

I said “Mum, this isn’t something which is ever going to go away.  I am gay and will always be gay.”  “I don’t like that word” she said.  “Alright then, I’ll always be homosexual.”  She pursed her lips at this and then said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore” to which I probably unfairly replied “that’s handy for you then isn’t it?  Change the topic when you’re hearing something which don’t like.”  She then said “the conversation’s closed.  Look here comes the bus!

Indeed there it was, which served to break the absolutely horrendous atmosphere that was hanging between us.  Once on the bus, we talked about nothing very much and I think that suited her HOWEVER she did say before we got off that she liked Paul O’Grady and Dale Winton and thought they’d be good friends to have.  I think she was trying to bridge the gap between us, it was bloody clumsy but I took it in the spirit it was intended and we went about our day together.

And that’s just it.  The act of Coming Out I wanted to be just a one-off thing.  Yes, I discuss being gay here, yes I know gay people, yes I watch gay programmes etc etc but that’s my own life.  The act of saying the words “I’m gay” was a way for me to be completely honest with those I care about, so I don’t have to hide, so I don’t have to watch what I say and who I look at.  A way of saying “here I am” and then just being.  Being what you may ask?  Just BEING.

I’ve found that in some circumstances though this is not to be the case.  The process of coming out is constant anyway because there will always be new people to tell, people who hopefully will just take it in their stride and say “thanks for letting me know but you’re still the person I know/care about/love” and maybe getting a hug after, that’s always nice.  It seems though there will always be people who cannot or simply will not understand.  That’s difficult but I guess nothing really good ever comes easy does it?