I’m back!!!!!

Right, well I’m back and what’s happened in my absence but the dashboard here at WordPress has gone all space age.  I must confess to loving it but then after a week of hermit-like living, everything appears exciting in comparison.

I’ve also discovered the answer to one of life’s little quandaries and that’s here.  When I first got my Sony media player, I couldn’t get on with the headphones at all so had to buy some others but they gave up the ghost this week so after trying to use a cheaper set (which are shite) I’ve had to go back to the original set and even though I can see sense in the arrangement, they feel bloody awkward on.  What was wrong with how they were originally is what I want to know?  I never had any difficulties with them.  Did anyone here?

Last weekend, I travelled up to Liverpool to Michael Causer’s memorial service held at the Anglican Cathedral.  It was very moving and the language used was inclusive, there was no talk of sin and people of other faiths and none could take something from it.  Looking across at the photograph of Michael, I couldn’t believe that this young man was no longer with us.

I happened upon a jokey message left by Michael at Facebook and I felt an incredible sadness.  Michael had come out, a battle in and of itself and wound up being murdered by homophobic thugs!  I hope these cowards (because that’s what they are) get a sentence which reflects the severity of this brutal crime.

I met Michael’s family and a more friendly and accepting bunch I’d be hard pushed to find.  They had no problems with Michael’s sexuality at all.  Had he lived, he would have grown in strength and confidence as an out gay man.  They are lovely people.  They even allowed me to stay over due to there being no one at the hostel I’d booked online and that says a LOT about them … they were fortunate to have Michael if only for a short while, he was fortunate to have them xxx

I must mention Vikki whom I met at the cathedral.  She was a male-to-female transsexual.  She had been badly beaten up in a similarly motivated attack, ie one of hate, fear and ignorance.  She stood up during the service and said a few words inspired by Michael.  Her birth name had been Michael so she was in effect saying goodbye to two Michael’s that day!

I’m glad Ulla got her rainbow pride bag.  Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!  You said you’d squuuuueeeeeee mate and indeed you did.  That’s one of Ulla’s words and I love it.  Ulla, I’m honoured to know you and to be able to call you a friend.

I’m glad to be back.  I can get round to see you all now….

The rainbow’s bluer today…

Yesterday, I did something which surprised me.  I denied my sexuality to someone who really doesn’t have a problem with it out of a fear of them perhaps viewing me differently.

I was chatting away with them and the subject of gay people came up.  My friend said “I’m not being funny here Jon but you mention gays a lot.  Are you gay?”  He was smiling when he said it.  I suddenly felt totally ashamed and guilty.  I said “no but I’d like to be” and he laughed.  “I’ll have to write that down, that’s a great response” he replied.

I don’t know why I did it.

Well, I do know why I did it because it would change the dynamic between us on some levels and because he has spoken of people not coming out until later in life and how he can’t comprehend it at all because “we all know what we are don’t we Jon?”  Yes, it’s true.  I have always known of what I am but dealing with it has been another thing entirely.  Anyhow, the conversation changed and I was relieved but the feeling nagged away at me.

I got back home, Ulla was online and I spoke with her about it.  I was totally and utterly disgusted with myself, I felt like a complete letdown.  She told me not to be so hard on myself, that coming out and being comfortable with one’s sexuality is a process.  She’s right, it is.  What shocked me I suppose is how I not only denied it but wanted to push the whole thing away from me and kind of disown it.

I thought because I had done the Coming Out interview, had fantastic gay friends and in many ways had made peace with who I am that these awful moments were gone altogether.  Having spoken to someone the other day about just this, he said it’s hard to free yourself of all the negative ideas and opinions and that occasionally, there will be tough days.  He talked to me about Internalised Homophobia and how that plays a part in eating away at a positive gay self-image.  He’s right, it does.

My head’s in a bit of a spin at the moment and I don’t know where I’m at on some levels. I do know that I’m gay and in the main I’m happy and comfortable with it.  I just sometimes get the sense from wider society that because I’m homosexual my sexuality is in some ways inferior to heterosexuality because it’s not about anything more than intimacy and having fun!  How fucked up is that?  I need to stop thinking and playing things over and just get on with it.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

Shattering myths….

Shortly after coming out earlier this year, I got chatting to a friend and he said “does this mean you’ll start being all camp and buying records by Kylie Minogue, going on pride marches and waving rainbow flags?”  I replied “why would I?”  He said “well, that’s what gay people do isn’t it?”  I was taken aback by this.  Is this how gays are perceived?

I don’t possess a single album by Kylie Minogue or Madge (as Madonna is affectionately known by her trillions of adoring gay fans) nor do I wish to because I don’t like that kind of music.  I do however like Blues, Prog Rock, Heavy Metal, Jazz, Folk and World Music among many other genres.  Does enjoying a meaty guitar solo pulled out of the bag by messrs Gary Moore or Joe Satriani make me any less queer than say dancing round the room to The Village People whilst vacuuming?

There are so many assumptions floating around out there about what constitutes being, in my case, a gay man.  Let’s get this next one out of the way as soon as we can.  I don’t like cabaret, musicals or show tunes! I feel ill when I hear Shirley Bassey’s voice coming out of the radio speakers at home and have to get up as soon as I can and switch it off.  I abhor the sweeter-than-sweet warblings of both Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand though I am able to appreciate how technically proficient both of them are, I’d just much rather not have to endure listening to them if I can help it.

I don’t cross-dress. I shouldn’t have to write this but again these are assumptions based on sexuality that a lot of people make.  British writer and doctor Vernon Coleman cross-dresses and argues that the majority of men who do enjoy wearing women’s clothes are in actual fact heterosexual.  Quite why being gay automatically means I would want to don a frock is beyond me.  Still, when the only exposure some people have of gay men is when they see them dressed as nuns at pride events or in stock video footage whenever a news story features us in some way, can’t really help.  Plus, one now well-known and cherished out gay tv presenter began his career dressing up as a woman and that only adds to the misconceptions.

I’m not effeminate.  When I told one person of my homosexuality, she looked me up and down and said “no you can’t be” and I replied that yes I was.  “No” she again said.  I responded “well, why can’t I be?”  Her answer was “well, you’re not limp-wristed are you?  Are you sure you’re not a bit Bi maybe?”  I said that no I wasn’t.  She looked at me puzzled.  There was then an awkward few moments while she adjusted to the news that standing in front of her was someone she knew, who wasn’t camping it up but was in fact a homosexual.  She still asks me periodically if I still feel I’m gay, I tell her that I am and she gives me the same disbelieving look.

I have known and met a lot of gay men who are affected in some way but I’ve met far more who are no different in their outward appearance and manner than heterosexuals.  Most of us, gay or straight, don’t fit the media profiles of the archetypal good-looking guy or gal anyway.  The simple fact is the vast majority of us are quite ordinary in every way and gay men and women are no different.  That doesn’t mean we can’t scrub up well when we want to but we’re just run-of-the-mill in reality and the only difference between us is who we fall in love with and find sexy!

This next one is a little trickier to reply to.  There is an assumption that one ‘becomes’ gay due to bad sexual experiences with the opposite sex.  There is of course an element of truth in this statement because the very nature of one’s homosexuality means any attempts to have sex with men/women (delete where applicable) is going to be fraught with frustrations. I have never had a good sexual experience with a woman but this hasn’t led me to want to be gay whatever that means, it has however clarified my own feelings regarding my sexuality.  I engaged in sex with women because I wanted familial and societal approval, not because it actually appealed to me.

I hope I’ve gone some ways to picking apart these frankly downright bizarre stereotypes and misconceptions.  I’m gay, that’s not because of a whole list of external variables which may or may not be true for whole swathes of society.  It’s by virtue of the fact I am sexually, emotionally and romantically attracted to men.  It’s as simple as that really.

Taking pride in who I am….

Ever since doing the interview about my sexuality which is featured in various places on the ‘net, I have felt an immense pride, not just within myself for finally being honest publicly about who I am, but in being gay.

When out and about, I notice gay people everywhere now, like I’ve acquired some hidden knowledge.  We seem to stand out like anaglyph images seen through those thin cardboard cyan and red 3D glasses which were given out free with cereal packets in my youth.

I may be walking through the town centre on a wet dreary afternoon and there are all these queer guys and girls, standing out in glorious technicolour.  They don’t know me and I don’t know them but we share an affinity, a community and I love that and for perhaps the first time ever, I feel honoured to be part of it as opposed to feeling apart from it.  It’s wonderful.

It’s weird though because I have never felt this emotion before.

I’ve always viewed my homosexuality as innate and random, so why feel pride in relation to it?  I mean, I’m hardly bursting with pride over being right-handed or having hazel eyes, two further attributes which I have no control over.

I don’t know why I feel as I do.  All I know is since taking the time to complete the survey, I’ve felt incredibly proud of my sexuality.  I’ve also found myself becoming quite emotional thinking about my life.  I’m sad for hiding who I am but I’m also happy because I no longer need to.

This thing which has hung over me, which has created such inner struggles and heartache, I now view as a gift.  Being gay isn’t a burden, it’s a freedom.  If you’d asked me before I talked to Ulla if I would change with regards being gay, I’d have had to think about it.  Ask me now and I’d say ‘NO WAY!‘

It’s all about sex, baby!

It’s me again.  I entered into a discussion yesterday within a post I had written at Queerlife about Queer Chatrooms, where I decried the amount of sex-related talk that goes on in them.  The respondee (Graham) stated that being gay is ALL about sex and in a way he’s right, it is.  Announcing one’s homosexuality is stating the obvious, that you basically want to fuck someone of the same gender.

I got thinking about this.  When I looked in the mirror one morning while shaving and uttered those two immortal words to myself thus ending the charade once-and-for-all, in effect I was saying “I want to get naked with another guy.”  There’s no two ways around it is there?  I then wondered what people think of when they see or know someone who’s gay.  Let’s take someone who’s accepting of it right from the off.  Let’s say it’s a gal pal.  You tell her, she smiles and gives you a warm hug and the friendship gets taken immediately to a deeper, more intimate level.

You’re now sexual allies as well as the close friends you always were.  It’s all good.  You can discuss men as well as the usual raft of topics you had going to begin with.  You might meet on the bus coming home from work or in town and go off for a coffee and you’re now one of the girls, you giggle and it’s freer and easier around them.  Brilliant right?  Well, yeah it is.

What you’ve actually told this person, albeit in a semi-coded way, is that you want to get down-and-dirty with someone of your own gender.  You want the recipient of your sexual endeavours to possess a cock.  For someone as closeted as I have been, the reality of that can be quite daunting as you’re, in some ways, no longer the jovial friend who’s never had a girlfriend and seemed rather standoffish and perhaps a touch asexual in their demeanour.  You’re now a fully-fledged sexual being complete with lusts and passions relating to others.

After you’ve been out for a while, you can still smile inwardly at your “Being Gay Is Okay” magnet peering out at you from the refrigerator door, or wear your naff “I’m Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is” t-shirt at the local pride event while simultaneously waving your Rainbow flags and blowing your pink plastic whistles.  You can sing badly at karaoke down the local gay pub or club.  However, your statement of intent expressed outwardly to yourself then to others is clear and unequivocal … you want to drain your balls into someone who has a set of their own!!!!  Being gay is all about sex.

Thank you Graham xx

Coming out and staying out….

When I was contacted by the lovely Ulla (whom I feel I’ve known far longer than the month or so we’ve been in contact) to Do The Interview, I was aware that this would be made public and for just about the first time ever, I’ve felt perfectly at ease with this knowledge being ‘out there’ and have no problem with it at all.

There’s something definite about stating your intent with regards your sexuality and it being published, in whatever form that takes.  Yes I could have asked Ulla not to put it up or asked a little later for it to be taken down but even then I’d still made the leap from closet case to something else entirely.  It felt like an entire process was occurring.  There was, in a sense, no going back from that point on.  It really felt like I’d lifted the lid on an emotional Jack-In-A-Box, ie, better out than in.

I’ve come out before and I’ve always gone back into the closet and I’ve often wondered why.  I think partly because I made this being gay business into far more than it actually is.  Yeah so I dig guys but seriously it’s not all that, is it?  I still do the mundane things everyone else does in my day-to-day life, the only exception is that I am romantically/emotionally/sexually attracted to my own gender but in this day and age, loads of us are and we’re out there living it, so why worry at all?  If I chose to go back into the closet yet again, all I’d do is waste more time and this thing isn’t going to go away, so seriously what would be the point?

There are however differences in place this time.  The first and main difference is that for just about the first time ever I am perfectly comfortable with being gay, with fancying men.  Plus I no longer have those feelings of shame which kept me closeted for so long and I don’t know where those horrid fears have gone.  In the past coming out has been more to stem the mounting pressure taking place within me than actually being emotionally honest.  Another thing which is different is the fact I came out to myself to begin with.  In times gone by, I’ve come out to others and not to myself so it’s really little wonder that I ended up hiding out for as long as I have done.

Another big difference is the sheer quality of friends that I have around me this time, people who support me 100% and are enabling me to be who I am.  I’ve never had so many wonderful people in my life before.  Genuine true friends.  There’s not a single person that I don’t want to be there.  Maybe there is some truth in the old adage that you need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by others.  Today, I really value the person I am and this is mirrored by the quality of friends I have in my life.  I’m really very blessed.

So, I’m out and staying out.  I like the feeling of being able to be myself, to not have to lie, cheat and connive my way through life.  I can stand up and categorically state my preferences to the world without having to blur the edges.  Not everyone’s going to like it and I may end up losing so called friends and family members but that’s okay.  Why?  Because I like myself and the person I’m becoming.

I won’t apologise if that appears arrogant or self-centred, I have to be selfish where this is concerned.  I have to own what it is I’m feeling so I can move forward honestly, both internally and externally.  If anyone’s reading this and wonders what it’s like to no longer be closeted and afraid lest the truth somehow finds its way out, let me tell you that there’s no greater place and no better feeling.  Don’t just take my word for it, COME on OUT and see for yourself.

Like it? I love it!!!!

Even though I’ve spent the best part of 30-something years trying not to be gay, I’m actually glad that I am.  When I was a small boy, I used to wrap Mum’s candlewick bedspread around me and pretend I was the Queen of Sheba (okay okay I know how gay that sounds!) and thought nothing of it.

I learned however that what I did (in terms of dressing up) and how I soon realised I felt was ‘wrong’ in terms of the church school I attended and the wider world in their views on ‘homosexuals.’  I didn’t know what these homosexuals did, all I knew was I loved seeing them about and was fascinated by any programme on tv or article that featured them.

Looking back and with the great benefits of hindsight, I can see that I never had any issue with being gay in and of itself, it was what others thought and felt which has influenced me so.  I actually have always loved being gay.  By that, I don’t mean only the sexual part of being gay.  I mean I’m glad I’m gay even when I’m doing mundane tasks like household chores or sitting on the front step smoking a cigarette or simply just laying in bed reading a book or listening to music.

I hear a lot of gay men and lesbians who say that they’re glad they were born gay, that they wouldn’t change who they are for anything.  We have the added burdens of realising that we feel differently in relation to our sexualities.  We all go through the process of coming out.  We may face alienation and possible ostracism from friends and family plus we’re still fighting for our place in this world and for certain basic inalienable rights.

You’d think all of these things would count against us being comfortable in who we are but it doesn’t seem to at all.  I don’t know many out gay people who would wish to be anything else and I’m one of them.  Does this sense of pride come from seeing gay people march through a city or the fact we’re part of an ever-growing and visible community?  I don’t think so.  I have a feeling this state of being is in every single one of us (gay or straight) it’s just more prevalent in those who have had to fight to gain a sense of it.

The burden of effeminacy….

I bumped into someone yesterday (I’ve just noticed it’s gone midnight) who I haven’t seen in about 6 years.  He looked the same as ever.  He’s short, fat and very very camp.  He must be in his mid-50’s now but he’s always looked that way and I’ve known him about 10 years now.

He is man-mad and while I was talking to him he was eyeing up some Polish builders and making it very plain at that.  “Ooooh he’s nice” he said then looking at another “ooooh (a flick of his very limp wrist towards the object of his attentions) I wouldn’t kick him out of bed in a hurry” and so on and so forth.  They would have easily heard him but he was unperturbed as always

He’s openly gay and doesn’t give a damn what others think of him.  He’s known to all and sundry in the gay community.  While I was talking with him a butch spiky-haired lesbian walked by and he said “oh hello dearie” and she smiled and said “hello love, how are you?” and they exchanged pleasantries before she went on her way.

Even though he’s shaped like an egg, is balding, has very chubby cheeks and a belly that hangs over his belt, he’s always been popular with the young ‘uns on the scene and in fact had just come out of a 6 month ‘highly charged’ relationship with a 28 year old Pole … he made quite a few relevant jokes about the Pole’s pole, well you get the gist I’m sure.

I’ve often wondered if his effeminacy has been a blessing or a curse.  On some levels it must have been a blessing in disguise because I don’t think he ever had to formally come out.  Yet in other ways, it must have been a curse because his sexuality is so obvious to others and I know he’s taken a fair amount of stick for it, working as he does in a quite laddish environment.

I admire him though, I think he carries a burden yet does so with grace, steely determination and masses of good humour.  He’s a character and we need people like him in life.

Questions…

I have this blog and then one attached to my website and haven’t been sure what to do with either so what I’ve come up with is all the stuff which is directly related to my coming out and then getting on with life I shall put at the weebly blog and everything else pertaining to my life, all the generalities, will go here.

I spent time in Australia both last year and this and I still have a sense of loyalty to it.  I often find myself on Aus-based gay sites just looking through the galleries, the listings, the people, the places, the bars etc etc because I guess I wasn’t out or accepting of who I was when there and the atmosphere of the place would certainly have been condusive to that kind of enquiry, so I go online and dip into that world every now and then.

It was while looking on a site the other day, I came across the face of a young lesbian and underneath her picture it said something along the lines of “RIP, we love and miss you very much” and I don’t know why but I’ve just had this burning need to find out who she was but where does one start and why would I want to do it?  There’s just something about her demeanour in the pic, about the confidence in who she is which is drawing me to find out more.  There’s a quiet confidence, she’s comfortable in her own skin.  Maybe because for so long I wasn’t?  I don’t know.

A similar thing happened about 2 years ago.  I was on the ‘net and really getting into photography.  I saw a grouping of photos taken by a particular agency (can’t remember which one now) and one of them was a gay man covered in Karposi’s Sarcoma in the final stages of AIDS, I think he died the next day or so.  There’s something about the way he’s looking at the camera which I can’t define.

I had to then find everything I could about him.  There was very little out there though I discovered his name was Ken and I did manage to read an interview he gave where he talked about coming out as gay, moving away from where he lived, getting the diagnosis and then having to undergo horrendous radiotherapy treatment to try and burn the disease away.  It was when I don’t think they knew how to treat it and just threw everything known to humankind at it.

I’m very drawn to people’s faces, especially the eyes.  My mum says that the eyes are the windows to the soul and that “what you are is on your face” and I kinda haul with that.  When I see a photo of someone who’s no longer here, I get a very deep sense of connection with them.  Maybe I’m looking to see if there’s anything within the shot that tells of any future ill-health/pain but of course there isn’t.

I then go through a “why?” phase where I rail at the futility and the randomness of all the crap stuff that happens to others.  Then I just feel sad for the person and for myself, that I’m healthy and why am I okay when they aren’t when all they wanted to do was go out there and live life like everyone else?  Why have they been struck down?  I then think about the fact I’m walking about and they’re not and that, for a while, we both shared the same air, looked into the same sky, wished on the same moon.

I think the last thing I feel and especially when I see anyone in the gay community afflicted in any way, is the fact that I have wasted a good deal of time fighting myself, time which won’t ever be got back.  Then I see these people who were brave enough to face up to their sexualities and identities, who probably took shit from others but held onto what they believed was right, went out there and grabbed life, a life which has now ebbed away while wastrels such as myself were out there being miserable and wishing they could just dig a hole and die.  I’m now out of my hole and they’re in theirs.

Life can be horribly cruel sometimes.

Allies…

I came out to a family member tonight.  Her reaction after me telling her I was gay was a nervous laugh and “no you’re not” then a slight pause before asking “are you?”  “Yes” I replied.  “You’re not Bi maybe?”  “Nope.”  “Okay” she said then stood there a little shocked.  The fear’s always there when I come out and this time was no different.

We talked about it further after the initial uneasiness.  She said she didn’t feel it necessary that I tell anyone else, that I should just get on with life as it’s really no one else’s business what I do and knowing my family, I think she’s right.  I’d like to be totally out to them but it will cause difficulties and I don’t want that.  In time, maybe I’ll confide in others but for now, I’m happy knowing I have one ally in the midst.