Coming out and staying out….

When I was contacted by the lovely Ulla (whom I feel I’ve known far longer than the month or so we’ve been in contact) to Do The Interview, I was aware that this would be made public and for just about the first time ever, I’ve felt perfectly at ease with this knowledge being ‘out there’ and have no problem with it at all.

There’s something definite about stating your intent with regards your sexuality and it being published, in whatever form that takes.  Yes I could have asked Ulla not to put it up or asked a little later for it to be taken down but even then I’d still made the leap from closet case to something else entirely.  It felt like an entire process was occurring.  There was, in a sense, no going back from that point on.  It really felt like I’d lifted the lid on an emotional Jack-In-A-Box, ie, better out than in.

I’ve come out before and I’ve always gone back into the closet and I’ve often wondered why.  I think partly because I made this being gay business into far more than it actually is.  Yeah so I dig guys but seriously it’s not all that, is it?  I still do the mundane things everyone else does in my day-to-day life, the only exception is that I am romantically/emotionally/sexually attracted to my own gender but in this day and age, loads of us are and we’re out there living it, so why worry at all?  If I chose to go back into the closet yet again, all I’d do is waste more time and this thing isn’t going to go away, so seriously what would be the point?

There are however differences in place this time.  The first and main difference is that for just about the first time ever I am perfectly comfortable with being gay, with fancying men.  Plus I no longer have those feelings of shame which kept me closeted for so long and I don’t know where those horrid fears have gone.  In the past coming out has been more to stem the mounting pressure taking place within me than actually being emotionally honest.  Another thing which is different is the fact I came out to myself to begin with.  In times gone by, I’ve come out to others and not to myself so it’s really little wonder that I ended up hiding out for as long as I have done.

Another big difference is the sheer quality of friends that I have around me this time, people who support me 100% and are enabling me to be who I am.  I’ve never had so many wonderful people in my life before.  Genuine true friends.  There’s not a single person that I don’t want to be there.  Maybe there is some truth in the old adage that you need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by others.  Today, I really value the person I am and this is mirrored by the quality of friends I have in my life.  I’m really very blessed.

So, I’m out and staying out.  I like the feeling of being able to be myself, to not have to lie, cheat and connive my way through life.  I can stand up and categorically state my preferences to the world without having to blur the edges.  Not everyone’s going to like it and I may end up losing so called friends and family members but that’s okay.  Why?  Because I like myself and the person I’m becoming.

I won’t apologise if that appears arrogant or self-centred, I have to be selfish where this is concerned.  I have to own what it is I’m feeling so I can move forward honestly, both internally and externally.  If anyone’s reading this and wonders what it’s like to no longer be closeted and afraid lest the truth somehow finds its way out, let me tell you that there’s no greater place and no better feeling.  Don’t just take my word for it, COME on OUT and see for yourself.